It's Official: Tony signs agreement with Poultry Industry ... and is "bitter" about it

M.O.T. News

Tony Vahl, vegetarian and part-time pescatarian for medical reasons, has just signed a new deal with a conglomerate of poultry producers to reintroduce turkey and chicken into his diet.

"It was a brutal choice," stated an emotional Vahl during the press conference. "When Obama talks about bitter, you can count me in. I'm bitter."

The escalating cost of gas prices, coupled with a cut in income for his family, helped lead to this climactic decision. "It didn't make much sense to keep prepping two sets of meals, the way this ... uh, 'mental recession' is. Phil Graham -- I got TWO WORDS for that [CENSORED - DAILYSKEW]."

There was another influencing factor -- health.

"Medical representatives from Tyson foods have been after me for over three years," said Tony.

While he has used supplements, exercise, and a varied diet to battle high cholesterol, he never seemed to satisfy the Medical experts, or even his personal Doctor. Tony explained that this did play into his decision to incorporate fowl into his eating plan.

Red meat remains off-limits. "The cow remains sacred. I am saddened and disappointed that it's come to this."

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In related news, The Shark King has officially broken diplomatic relations with Vahl, promising to "Have him for dinner" next time Vahl is out in the ocean.